Wet Carpet vs. Wet Dog - An Odour To Remember

We have had our carpets cleaned. It wasn't particularly exciting; a small man came round with a device larger than himself and proceded to make curious noises for a few hours. What was somewhat unexpected is that the weather is currently the coldest and wettest it's been in July for 20 years. The floors are still wet. It has been two days. The smell is incredible.










It'll all be over soon...

Now, there is undoubtedly a use to having carpets cleaned. I'm sure the sole purpose of the endeavour isn't just to force me to navigate the house in flip-flops, it just feels that way. But the problem has been compounded, what with it being the coldest and wettest July in 20 years, by the fact that whenever the dogs so much as poke their noses outside they come back in wetter than we would like. Caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place, we have been cornered by moist carpet and wet dog. Only one can emerge the victor, and I'm not fancying my chances too much.














You're not coming anywhere near me pal.

The phenomenon known as "wet dog stink" originated in Norse mythology when Beowulf famously exclaimed, "By the gods, you pong something rotten you mangy cur," having been confronted by his faithful hound after a dip in the local fjord. For centuries afterwards, man has been sorely tested by his best friend, torn between loyalty to his mutt and a desire to smell a little better than "whiffy."

By comparison, the moist carpet is a far more recent affliction, but one no less traumatising. There is no escape and no quarter given; the wet carpet smell is everywhere and refuses to dry. For sheer aggression it rivals anthrax. Had Al Qaeda threatened the Western world with chemical weapons loaded with moist carpet stink, we would have all rolled over and let them take the lot of us. It is nasty.

However, the wet dog has a remarkable quality lacking in the carpet's noxious dampness. With their fur matted and slick, they take on astonishing supercanine abilities. With an increased speed they become all but impossible to catch, especially if you're wielding a towel, and can evade your desperate grasp for hours whilst plastering the house with muddy slop. Heightened strength means that they can pull free of a vice like grip with a few simple squirms. Truly these beasts are a force to be reckoned with.

Yet, there are those who would harness these powers for good. Take, if you will, those canny souls at W.E.T.D.O.G (Water Education and Training Dog Obedience Group - an acronym so brilliant that they already deserve greatness). These supercanines are put to use rescuing bedraggled swimmers stranded offshore and dragging them safely to land, such is the potency of the wet dog effect. Their remarkable antics beggar belief. Don't believe me? Observe:










Huff. Huff. Huff. Almost there...

This is no deranged aquatic dog molester, no sir. What you see here is a man stuck in a lake in naught but a beard and glasses being pulled by a tiny dog. That's right: the dog weighs 10 pounds, the bloke weighs 200. It doesn't have an outboard motor attached, nor is it whisking its tail around like a propeller. The minute mutt has harnessed its super powers for the good of mankind. Such heroism. Such selfless devotion. Truly there can only be one champion, and against such a display the overpowering odour of wet carpet is found seriously wanting. Arise, the victor. Arise, wet dog!